If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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