I think im going to throw up on grandma
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
