If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize