God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
