I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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