I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
