Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
