someone threw a dead crab at me
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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