I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
