it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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