I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
