Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
