Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
