I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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