New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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