Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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