soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
