how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
