I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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