she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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