i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
