Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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