That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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