Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
