dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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