I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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