someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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