good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
