i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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