you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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