It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
