Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
