Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
