I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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