I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize