guys are not supposed to queef...right?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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