I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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