I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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