dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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