can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
They have beer where we have blood.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
