The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
