this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
