Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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