i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
