I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
