Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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