I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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