And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
