You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
