By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
