Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
