Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
