foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
