found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
