he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
