I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
