My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
