we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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