my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
