I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
