I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
