based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
