my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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