If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize