ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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