Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
