I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
